When one cannot sleep...

....one writes jibberish in hope of tiring oneself out.

In all honesty, this Sunday has been all about the search for self love (a best selling novel by Nicholas Sparks?). If you're like me, you barely know what this term means. To love oneself. Bizarre to even think it.

You sat in your chair, behind your desk, when your teacher told you how special you are, and you pondered whether or not the act of NOT wanting to stab yourself in the chest counted as self acceptance.

I'm here to tell you that it kind of doesn't. It just means you're not bat shit crazy. (But then again, what do I know?)

I recently changed my alarm text. (you know, the little message that pops up when your alarm goes off on your phone.) I've always had a message like "get up you fat cow!!", with the logic that personal insults will set me off and wake me up properly (although, in all honesty, it was probably also to remind me that sleeping in is bad for your metabolism.... Or so i've heard).
I've never thought much of it, really, until recently. Suddenly the text seemed unnecessarily rude. Like the world isn't mean enough, anyway.

I changed it to "wake up <3" (yes, heart included).

Call me sappy, if you like, but once you've survived your teens, it's time to stop feeling so much hatred. Society doesn't want you to love yourself. That would mean you'd stop comfort eating and staring at your TV 24/7. It would mean you'd stop putting your life in the hands of men in power, and start thinking about what actually makes you and the people around you happy. It would mean you'd stop spending so much money on products that are meant to morph you into a stick of glossy perfection.
But screw that. Be all rebellious and shit.

I don't actually know how to love myself, but I know that waking up to the words "fat cow" doesn't help.

I'm sure you do a lot of things to make yourself even more miserable. So stop it.

And goodnight.
Love you.